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January 12

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Ep 66 | 5 Secrets to Creating an Exceptional Marriage with Tarsha and Stan Davis

By Kim Strobel

January 12, 2022


Have you ever wondered why some marriages seem to flourish while others seem to continually flounder? Do you have a desire to make your marriage stronger and more connected?

Research tells us that strong marriages have high levels of friendship and emotional connection at their foundation.  But how do we do this when we are trying to raise our kids, work full-time jobs, and manage all of our other responsibilities?

In this episode, I interview the dynamo couple, Tarsha and Stan Davis. They are focused on inspiring others to create strong marriages and feel “married alive'' versus the ball-and-chain “buried alive” version. They challenge us to create not “good enough” marriages, but exceptional marriages!

What’s in the episode: 

  • Two important building blocks of a successful and happy marriage.
  • Why active listening and looking for perspective creates trust in relationships.
  • Understanding how our expectations can be honored.
  • Why we need to stop comparing our marriage to others.
  • Conversations make the biggest difference in getting to know your spouse’s character and creating emotional intimacy.

You haven’t reached the finish line just because you had a wedding day. That’s when the work begins.” Stan Davis

 

“We are husband and wife first. Parents second.” Tarsha Davis

 If you enjoy this episode and it inspired you in some way, I’d love to hear about it and know your biggest takeaway. Take a screenshot of you listening on your device, post it to your Instagram Stories and tag me, @kimstrobeljoy.

I would also love if you subscribed to the podcast and left a review at https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/she-finds-joy/id1487739752

Helpful Links 

Stan and Tarsha’s

Married Alive Instagram 

About Stan and Tarsha and Married Alive

Who says happily ever after only exists in the movies? Lasting happiness CAN and SHOULD be the goal of every marriage and that’s why Stan and  Tarsha Davis created their Married Alive brand. 

They’re coming up on their 25th wedding anniversary and have been boyfriend and girlfriend for 31 years now. With two children and a cozy home in Florida, they aim to normalize that marriage can be fun. 

Some of the their foundational philosophies are to Celebrate everything, relax and enjoy, and actively build lasting happiness.


About Kim

Kim Strobel is Chief Happiness Officer at Kim Strobel Live Events and Retreats. She is a teacher, consultant, motivational speaker, happiness coach, and mission-minded person whose passion is helping others overcome their fears and discover their joy!

You can follow Kim’s journey on Instagram at @KimStrobelJoy and in the free private She Finds Joy Facebook community.

Transcrpt

Stan Davis 00:12 

Okay, everybody, one Welcome to the she finds joy podcast. And I'm just gonna say, I know that so many of the episodes are kind of focused on women who are ready to what we call, find their joy while overcoming hard things. But I always get really excited when I can bring not just a woman on the show, but also a man's perspective on things. And I know that you men sometimes are like Strobel I want more episodes that are also focused on men. So today, I'm going to be introducing you to two new friends of mine. Their names are tarsha and Stanley Davis, and I'm going to tell you how I met them. Last year, my husband and I were on an adult only vacation in Cancun at this beautiful luxurious resort. And I study people, this is why I'm a happiness coach, you know, I just cannot help but walk around and I look at people and I just, I'm really good at reading their body language. And we had gone up to dinner on the second floor. And there was this couple in this pool each time we went to dinner. And my first thought was, isn't that like they look like they're really enjoying themselves, just the two of them. They're up there in that pool all of the time. They don't have a bunch of friends around them. They're laughing. They're smiling. And I remember walking by you guys, and just saying hi. And we struck up a conversation. And literally, I think it was the second conversation. It just took off to this friendship. Do you guys remember that? 

Tarsha Davis 01:43 

Absolutely. Yes, yeah, yesterday. 

Stan Davis 01:48 

And now it has evolved into this friendship where they're very focused on creating strong relationships and strong marriages. And they both really believe that lasting happiness can and should be the goal of every marriage. And they actually started a brand you guys called married alive, which I freaking love it. I mean, just tell us just for those who are like, slow to the game here you guys. Welcome to the show. But tell us what how did you form married alive? 

Tarsha Davis 02:26 

Thank you. Well, the funny thing about it is, we have two kids, our son, our oldest, Stanley. The second is he's 23 years old. And he was he was like, Mom, Dad, you guys really should do something. I mean, you should do something on Instagram. And we both were like, oh, you know, whatever. Well, one day, one night, we were out on one of our dates, and we were talking about it, we're like, Well, what should we do? You know, maybe we should start taking some pictures and selfies of ourselves. And then we started talking about names. Well, what should we call it? We came up with the stupidest name some of them. And some people might think married alive, stupid, but we came up with married alive because it was a play on buried alive. We were like, You know what marriage should be you should be married and alive who wants to be buried alive? And you know, the whole narrative of being of the ball and chain with marriage. So we would like married live. That's the That's the perfect thing. Well, that's what we want to portray how to be married alive, because that's what we've been for coming up on 25 years. 

Stan Davis 03:29 

Yeah, 25 years. And I can't wait to get into the backstory of this, but I love your posts on Instagram. Now, I'm not going to say that my husband Scott Strobel is as fired up about the post as I am because I will run to him. And I'll be like, Look, what they posted today. We're supposed to have these deep conversations, we're supposed to ask each other the hard questions. And I've talked to you a little bit about this tarsha Because in my own marriage, as wonderful as I feel that it is so much of the time and I definitely feel like it's a married alive marriage. Gosh, darn, sometimes we just keep running into like the same roadblocks. And for Scott Strobel, who was raised in this quiet reserved, we don't talk about our crap feelings. And I continue to push him on that so that we can get to more emotional intimacy. You and I talked about that. tarsha a little bit. You actually resonated more with Scott. And in I think Stanley and I maybe are like more like let's really get down to the deep and dirty madness. Is that a fair statement? Stanley? That's fair. Yeah, good read of people. Exactly, exactly. Um, but I'm also, you know, I do straight talk on this podcast, and I hoped my perception is wrong. But as I interview people, and as I listened to their conversations, I don't feel like there's a lot of People who are happily married you guys? And do you have a different experience with that? 

Tarsha Davis 05:07 

No, we don't. As a matter of fact, we we talk, you know, we have conversations about the family and friends that, you know, we've, we've been to their weddings, and we've been there for them as a part of their divorce. You know? Too many, 

Stan Davis 05:24 

too. Yeah, I think you're right, we've experienced the same thing. Absolutely. Yeah. And it's, it's people, like, a lot of mine are people who are still married, but like, they literally they don't like the person they're living with. They stay for the kids sake, they, or maybe they don't want to divide finances, but they're, they're just in in less than fulfilling marriages. And I'll be the first to 

say that I thought my husband and I's marriage was going south multiple times. And, you know, this is my second marriage. And I'm thankful that it's lasted almost 20 years. But there have been some really hard times that we've had to work through. But for me, one of my values in life is that like, I just don't believe in a good enough anything. Like I never just want to be a good enough Mom, I don't want to have just a good enough marriage. I don't want to run just a good enough business. I want to I want to reach exceptional a whole lot of the time. And I think that we aren't taught how to do that in relationships, or that we are actually after 20 years, you guys 25 years that you're still allowed to reach for those that excellence in your marriage where it feels good a lot of the time, 

Tarsha Davis 06:43 

right? Yeah, you said some key things, the first thing that I heard was work through. Because we definitely we smile a lot, we laugh a lot. Yeah. In our Instagram posts, you'll see a lot of smiling and you know, trips and things like that. But just like you said, we've had our ups and downs, we've had a lot of downs, a lot of years, especially the beginning years, to where we kind of thought we weren't gonna make it either. 

Stan Davis 07:08 

Well, I've never thought that I won't go that far. However, I do think there's a mindset that has to be entered into marriage, it's not the end. And you know, you haven't reached the finish line, just because you have a wedding day and you get married and you start having kids. You know, in fact, it's like graduated from college, that's when the work begins. It's not a finish line. So having that mindset of evolving, growing, improving, even by 1% a day, you can then look back years later and say, Oh, I couldn't remember when we would this or recommend when you didn't do this, or I did this? Yes, all the time, some of these words that are thrown out, I think you really have to understand that it's not the finish line that you're getting into. And you have a commitment to actually stay there and do that. Because love takes a break. And when it does, you're gonna need a little bit more. Yeah, I think that's so true is, you know, I think that I work really hard on myself. And course I, I've worked with a counselor and did a lot of self inner work, because I want to be a better version of myself for myself, but I want to be a better version of myself for Scott. And we laugh sometimes, too, we look back and go, gosh, we used to this, this used to turn into a 3d argument. And now we just kind of cuss at each other. And then we last two minutes. You know, it's like, feel so much better. Um, but there's something that you said to Stanley that I think is, is really important is, you know, you said it's really about work. And before I get into that, that's what I want to say. Did you know that happiness research says that when we get married, because you're talking about kind of the getting married part that when we get married, we get a boost in happiness for about two years. And then our happiness level goes back to baseline or, or for some of us it gets worse more. Yeah, yeah. But, but the happiness research actually says there are things that we can do after the two year mark to to be more intentional to get those lifts so that we don't have to be like, Oh, we're just not as fulfilled anymore because we hit the like, I feel really fulfilled in my marriage in a way that I never have before. 20 years in, and I'm not saying I didn't want to smack him around last week or something. You know, I never want to be like sunshine and butterflies over here. But I do it but I think it's because I'm intentional about the work and I heard you say the work stand. Yes. What does that mean? People listening what What is the work looked like in your marriage? Folks? What does that look like? Well, for me, it's more so about listening than it 

is talking. And as hard Stanley when I say listening, you know, you can hear people and not interrupt them, and they may think you're listening, but to listen and actually change or migrate closer to their point of view, their desires, some of the things they would like to see from you, what, what really floats their boat, so to speak, you know, that that's the part of the work, right? Because you hear it. Now I listened to it. And I said, Okay, well, can I see myself from where she's saying I am. And that takes a lot of work to be able to look at yourself from a third person point of view, not you, yourself, but someone else, for a second person point of view, and say, you know, what, she's bright, you know, I can get better at that. And I won't be perfect tomorrow. But at least I want to show that I'm working or trying to get better at, you know, whatever, it could be something simple is not only close around a place, but it could be something simple. That really to the person that you're in a relationship with, is reciprocated to as well. So if she's able to see, through my actions that I'm listening, hearing her trying to do something a little different, come closer to the mark whether you know, wherever that is, then chances are, she will hear me too, as well and try to do that. And so so there are some things individually that that we work on. And then there's some things from a couple perspective that we've worked on too, as well, whether that's, you know, socially, whether it's vacation, how we parent, how we approach, you know, so that's a little bit about what the work could potentially look like. Does that make sense? It does. And so what I want to know, is, so I'm trying to give a concrete example here, and I'm thinking about, so tarsha, is it a fair statement to say that when something is bothering you, because this can be very hard for people to do men or women, but when something's bothering you, do you have the courage to have the conversation and tell? Are you safe enough to tell Stan, hey, this is something that's really bothering me? 

Tarsha Davis 12:18 

You know what? That's a good question. Because yes, but not all the time. You know, it ebbs and flows, I definitely have the courage, the safe space, and we talk about everything in anything, we actually started out a game that we started in college talk talking about hypothetical, before we ever got married, you know, hypothetically, if we had kids, and you know, they wanted to go to the mall, and you didn't, you weren't trusting them? What would you do? You know, we started playing hypothetical situations way before we ever started getting married, or thought about getting married. But then as our relationship has evolved, we started creating these trust, you know, pockets, if you will, to be able to say, Hey, okay, when I when I feel some way about something, whether it's my body when I'm eating, if I, you know, if it's the house or work, I'd like to save space to be able to just talk about it, because, you know, XYZ, and then some, sometimes I feel like, you know what, I've been talking about that for so long, I'm not gonna bog them down with that. So that's why I say yes, and not all the time. But I definitely have a safe space. And he does too. And when it comes to I'd like to kind of make a comment of what he was saying about the work, you know, how you know, the work you do you love, you know, and the work we do we enjoy and love it. And when you know, you've got work to do you desire to do a good job, you know, you desire to do good to do a good job for yourself, for your company, for the people that you're supporting. So when it comes to listening, you know, we don't listen just to make our point we do listen to actively be better for one another to understand where the other ones coming from because we still even 30 years into our relationship, we still have different perspectives based on where we grew up, you know, our parents difference and you know, the regions from where we come from so, but we desire to be the best for each other. I think you said that earlier in your in your prelims you 

know, you desire to be the best of everything, you know, the best mother, wife, everything so that work, we approach with joy, because it's what we want to do, you know, we want to be together. 

Stan Davis 14:34 

You know, I think the hard part and I, I can mirror so much of this in my own marriage is we go to defensiveness so fast when a problem is brought up. I know I do it. I know Scott does it. And it's like, when you go straight into reactionary mode, which is natural, we understand that, but 

it almost shuts down your brain's ability. To like, really listen, like Stan was saying, what that means to listen to. I like how he said that, you know, I'm going to try to see if I can shift my perspective to understanding what you're saying. And I know for Scott and I, we've had to work on creating a little tiny bit of space between what I'm getting ready to say or what you're getting ready to say, and how I can really receive that without automate, because because he would say, Oh, Kim, as soon as I say something, you automatically say, No, I'm not I'm not doing that. Or I'm not, you know, or vice versa. Instead of like, taking a moment to go like, Okay, let me just see if I can try to understand and what that does, and I'll tell you, we're still working on it. Because it is hard. But like, I know, one of the things I'm really proud of, and I think you guys said that to tarsha. Like, you look back and you're proud of the progress that you've made. But like with Scott, he has a super like he gets triggered really easily. When anything, it can be the smallest thing like babe, I just cannot handle that the socks and the shorts have been on our closet floor for five days, like and I would even tried to say it like in the nicest freakin way. And he is so mild mannered, but it would just pass him off, you know. And so like we had to really work on and I was so proud of him the other day, because, like, he's had to learn that there are just some weird things about the way his wife's brain works. That like, it doesn't drive him crazy. But like, it makes me freaking crazy to see those clothes on the floor. And so I had to laugh this morning, you guys, because I've been dealing with this like for four days, and all the pent up energy. So I just went into the bathroom today. And I'm like, I'm just gonna tell you, I'm going absolutely crazy. And I did it in like a way that was like, this is just your crazy ass wife, but I need you to pick this up. And you know, he goes, he goes, Okay. What progress like one I can say it without feeling so scared that he's going to get ticked off into that instead of getting ticked off. He goes, Okay, I'll get it picked up, you know? Yes, small thing. But like, that relieves tension in the marriage when you can done 

Tarsha Shorter 17:23 

it does. And you know what, to me, that is when you get the example is an example of expectations. Now he expects because you say, Look, this is just the way my brain works. And that's the way it's gonna be. And he says, Okay, it's an expectation we have, we do the same thing. We his, his, his pet peeve is he's like You can he loves the bed to be made. I'm of the mindset that I'm getting back in it. So if I don't make it today, okay. But I know that that's what he that, you know, that's very important to him. So I'll make the bed even if he's not home. And I know he's coming home because that's the way he's wired. And it's just the expectation we know it's something that we've come to expect and accept with I love that 

Stan Davis 18:09 

you got Strobel are so much alike. Here's how we saw the bad thing. Okay. It's like I have to 

you got Strobel are so much alike. Here's how we saw the bad thing. Okay. It's like I have to have the bed thing too. Because like, every time I walk in my bedroom throughout the day, I'm gonna feel good. If that beds made I won't see that sloppiness. Yeah, our role is whoever gets out of bed last has to make it. Ah, and it's almost always him. 

Tarsha Shorter 18:30 

That would be him to then 

Stan Davis 18:32 

I'll rule is if you get up to go to use the restroom and it's bath time to get up the bed maybe made when you come back. Yeah. Yeah. Yes, I want to know, like, because I get it. There's a lot of people who are listening to this. And I don't want people to feel bad. When they say I can see myself in that first scenario, Kim that you described where I'm really truly not fulfilled in my marriage. I don't feel that it's exceptional a lot of the time I don't feel connected to my husband. And and I want us to be really real, like you guys were saying it's, it's not easy work. And I'll be the first to say that sometimes it's not even like sometimes you do need to check out like, you know, if you go save your soul or save your marriage, I'm gonna tell you to save your soul every single time, you know. But it's also understanding that if we're going to have these great relationships, if that is a core value to who we are, that there are things that we can both begin to do to make some headway on that. And so what would you say to people right now who are just like, gosh, I don't even know where to begin. I don't I don't I know I don't have this. But I would like a little more of it. Where do people start? I mean, What do you think? Well, I'll just say one thing, I think the, the best place to start is to stop comparing your relationship to anyone else. That's the best place to start. And, and go from where you are now Tarsus probably will be able to get more specific than that, but I'm a concept guy, right. So stop comparing your relationship to others, what you wished hoped or dream because what you have is what you have. And then, you know, start to converse, you know, start to converse and start from where you are, that would be my take on it. And 

Tarsha Davis 20:36 

that was where exactly where I was going was have those, start talking, just sit down and start talking, if you need a glass of wine to do it, if you need some french fries, if you need a beach, you know, or if you just need to be in, you know, in your bedroom, where it's quiet. We talk a lot, we drive a lot. Even when we were in college, we drove back and forth, because we didn't go to the same colleges. So we had a lot of time to talk. And those conversations really make the biggest difference in getting to know the character of your mate of your spouse. And I think that's that's a part of the reason why some of even with our some of our friends or family members that were unhappy in their marriage before their divorce, their expectations weren't being met, because they didn't, they had never taken the time to really understand the character of their mate or you that they thought they were going to change it. Right. Can change. Right? 

Stan Davis 21:38 

That's the truth. Yeah, yeah, you can't change people, you can only change yourself, right? My 

That's the truth. Yeah, yeah, you can't change people, you can only change yourself, right? My counselor only says you can't change Scott Strobel, you can only change yourself. And sometimes I'm like, But I'm tired of working on myself. So I go to the counseling session, which a few but you know, that's a real hard thing for Scott. Easy for him to change. Yeah, exactly. So yeah. I hear you. And I think like, You guys are so comfortable with talking. It's just a natural thing about you all and I was actually listening to Will Smith's book recently. I don't know if you guys read his memoir that came out I heard about I haven't read it yet. So he had he and Jada. He said they still to this day, they'll spend five to seven hours sometimes just talking and debating. And just be honest, I'm not married to a man who would want to talk to me for like you guys do like he he's it's just hard for him. And so I can get him to talk about things because I'm a pusher. But I know there's a lot of people think like thinking even when they go out to dinner, what do they do they talk about their kids they talk about and so one of the things that has helped me is in for those of you who are like I don't even know how to start this conversation. Maybe you go out to dinner or for Scott and I we started. We don't do it right currently right now. But we started like a nightly ritual where we would share a cup of tea in a room that didn't have a TV. And and then we would use this app and it's called card decks from John Gottman. You guys heard of it? Yes. Yeah. So it's free. And it's really fun because you can open it up and it will say like, Okay, here's, like, open ended questions, or here's date questions or sex questions. And so I would open it up because it's a little bit light, you know? Yeah. And I would just like pose a question and it felt goofy at first I'm not gonna lie. But it started to get like a natural flow and it started to help us kind of peer into each other's lives in ways that we hadn't before. Because when you're dating you're in that get to know you stage and you you tend to think that once you know the person that you're done dating but I know you guys have this thing where you date each other for life like you're still dating each other right? Yes, yeah because the tarsha You married almost 25 years ago Stanley is way different isn't she now absolutely like a fine wine, only much better. put points in there for tonight 

Tarsha Davis 24:13 

we're gonna hosted you want to say that 

Stan Davis 24:18 

but you know I think like having something to start the conversation when you're so not used to being able to do that with each other. And guys, I'll drop that app in the show notes too. But that's one place that that I've gone for for conversation starters. 

Tarsha Davis 24:35 

Yes and that you know what that brings to mind Kim something so important when you're starting something just like if you're starting a new job or a new exercise program, the first few days the first maybe few months feel so awkward and you feel out of place you feel like you don't know what you're doing you feel goofy like excuse like goofy, but you know when you keep going when you keep you know, continue doing it. You get more We're comfortable with it, you know, our habits, I heard someone say recently that our habits form, formulate who we are, you know, they're their little votes for who we ultimately become. And if we create the habit of not talking, not communicating, then we are non communicators, if we create, start creating the habit of communicating, we're casting a vote for being communicators. So building 

habits may be tough. You know, it may be tough at first. But if you keep going, like send us something like the like the card deck, that's perfect, you know, whatever it is, and we also feel like common ground. So Stan was a football player in college. And just so happens that I did grow up a football fan, but I didn't know much about it. But I became immersed in football, because that was his thing. So we share football together. Now we if you follow our Instagram page, we play fantasy football, we collect NFL jerseys, you know, but those types of things help us to create conversation because we don't, you know, people are like, What the hell do you talk about all those hours? Well, sometimes we're talking about who to put in our fantasy. 

Stan Davis 26:16 

And for those guys who watching it runs both ways. My wife sold Mary Kay for 10 plus years, I know everything there is to know about basic skincare. It's not rude, it's cheap color on Nova eyeliner versus mascara. So there, yes. Important point, taking an interest in something that 

your partner has a passion for, is important, not in everything, right. But like, in certain things that I could see where that's a building blocks to so much of the fun that you two have now. And I know you talk about building blocks, and I want to ask that question, what are the building blocks for a lasting marriage that is happy and feels good? What are those for you guys? 

Tarsha Davis 27:03 

Oh, man, the first one has to be for us having something to look forward to, which is how we met you awesome people. We try to make it a point to go to Mexico to celebrate our anniversary, every single year, we celebrate everything. That's that's one, that's one of the foundations of our happiness is celebrate everything from birthdays, to the first time we kiss to the first time we met. Our kids birthdays are celebrations for us, not just them. You know, we celebrate at literally everything. Because when you have something to look forward to. It creates that anticipation and excitement, you know, just like the wedding, you build all that anticipation and excitement for your wedding day. And you're able to surprise that that the happiness research says that you're happy for two years after that. You know, yeah, well, let me build off 

Stan Davis 27:58 

of that for a minute. And then I want to hear the next one. But it's now that you say that so I know like when Scott and I leave a vacation. It's like I'm so sad to be so sad like it's over. And but what we do is we just start talking about the next one. But this is another in Charlie Martin is my counselor, I say his name all the time that he said you and your partner years ago, y'all need to get away even if it's for one night, you need to get away every quarter. So you have something to look forward to. And you take that space together. So that's right on par with counselor Charlie, what's another building block? Well, why are you there before you move on? For those who can't get away? You know, it can be a weekly. Let's take a list of the coffee shops in our area other than Starbucks, and let's visit a coffee shop. Let's Let's take some of the wine wine places new wine. So let's go have a glass of wine at a place we haven't been, you know. So it can be something other than birthdays, anniversaries, things to look for in terms of celebrate doesn't have to be it's really creative with how we can do that. I'm glad you brought 

that up. Yeah, it's like a coffee date at this at this shop at dinner out or a hike to the nearby park. Those just being intentional about spending time with each other off of the damn phone. Right? Yes, 

Tarsha Davis 29:16 

exactly. Yes, yes. And if you have small kids, we don't we have the luxury of having older kids now they don't need us around. But when we have smaller kids, you know, we took advantage of them going to sleep, you know, when they went to bed. That was the time when we would do something, you know, creative just there at the house, you know, even if it was nothing but watch a movie together. So, you know, it's about creating ways to find things to look forward to. 

Stan Davis 29:40 

Yeah, yeah. I love that. So then 

Tarsha Davis 29:43 

that second, the second one is relax and enjoy. And that's our that's our hashtag for creating an environment of that, like you were saying the safe space to to say what you feel you into to really bring up something that may not necessarily be pleasant. But our home is a place where it's refuge for us. Our friends, our refuge and enjoyment for us. So relaxing and enjoying life. You know, our kids grew up fast. And I hear people say all the time Oh, I remember when they were little, I wish there were little I don't. I love every stage. And I love saying goodbye to every stage 

Stan Davis 30:29 

of a new chapter. 

Tarsha Davis 30:31 

Yes, yes, exactly. So relaxing and enjoying. You have to relax and not take things too seriously. Especially those small things like not beds not being made and clothes being left on the floor, you know? 

Stan Davis 30:45 

Yeah. And don't you think that a lot of people do just put their marriage on the backburner while they're raising their kids, because they just don't. It's like, oh, I'm in this raising kid mode. So I'm no longer really a why, like, I see that happen a lot in marriages, where they're, they're not giving the due diligence. And I know for Scott and I, when Spencer left and went to college, oh my gosh, I mean, I was so incredibly sad. I just, you know, he was my only one. And I felt a 

lot of anxiety about him leaving leaving. And I did feel sad that I remember the night he left Scott, and I went and enjoyed a glass of wine on the deck. And I also had the reciprocal feeling of like, I really, really love this guy, I'm stuck with, like, really enjoy him. So I'm going to be okay. He's not a stranger to me, after 18 years, like, you know, because we were committed to spending time together without our kids throughout the marriage. 

Tarsha Davis 31:47 

Yes, yeah, exactly. And, you know, I cringe sometimes to hear people say that I'm a mother first. And then you know, or describe themselves, you know, what are I'm a mother, you know, I'm a wife, I'm a wife first, you know, Stan talked about it at the beginning, about the mindset, and the, and then you also talked about doing everything, doing everything that is not good enough to be just good enough. When I came into marriage, I knew my parents divorced, and I was 16. And I knew then that my marriage was not going to be just good enough, it was not going to be just the you know, ball and chain or this the status quo, my marriage is going to be fantastic. So my mindset was of, hey, the man that I marry, we're going to have a blast a ball every single day. And we're going to be husband and wife first. And because of that, we're going to raise the most awesome kids in the world, they're going to have the best life. And, you know, if you interview them, now, they may say they may have a few negative things to say about their parents. But overall, they probably say that, that that awesomeness, that awesome life has happened. And they would also recognize that it has a lot to do with what we've created, between the two of us, you know, 

Stan Davis 33:04 

what a gift that is that they have been raised to understand that they are not the end all be all for you All that actually the two of you come first. And that marriage in that institution is so important. And because of that they have benefited from that. It is also not good for kids to think that, you know, I don't think it's good for kids to think that they come first all the time. It's just not even healthy. Right? They want you remind them every day. Exactly. And I really think maybe we should bring the kids on here for a podcast episode. Wouldn't it be fun to get their perspective? On okay, because because we don't always give credit to knowing that our kids really are watching. They're really watching us. Right? 

Tarsha Davis 33:54 

Right. Yeah. Right. Yeah. Yeah. Well, I mean, to the point of when Stanley mentioned to us, you know, hey, you guys should start an Instagram page and about your relationship that made me think like, oh, wow, he's, you think enough of our relationship and think that we have something worthy for other people want to hear about? 

Stan Davis 34:13 

I'm not I love that. Because I also think that sometimes it's like, because so people, so many people are struggling, we're sometimes afraid to celebrate what we have good that is going on. But in fact, the more you celebrate it, the more people understand this is something that's 

worth working towards and striving for. And so I've been telling my people you need to follow app married alive, and I'll put it in the show notes for my Instagram. Just I just again, for me, it just makes me think it makes me refocus. Like I know you posted something a few weeks ago, and I was thinking of I had to deal with a little bit of a sticky situation. And I needed to talk to 

Scott about it and you posted something that because I'm a little fiery and I can kind of react really fast to things you know Oh, and so I was getting ready to hit it head on in the Kim Strobel way. And then I can't remember what it was, but y'all posted and I was like, oh, okay, wait a minute, I gotta step back here a minute, this good advice, let me send her in on this. And it changed how I went to approach the situation. So like those little reminders mean a lot, you know. And so for anybody who who wants to check that out, I think you guys are doing a really great job of, of keeping it real, but you're celebrating what it can mean, to have happiness in your marriage. And I appreciate that about both of you. Thank you, 

Tarsha Davis 35:36 

thank you, thank you, when, you know, when you're when you're a lighthouse, that that's our goal is to be a lighthouse, because when your lighthouse, you can help create other lighthouses. And, you know, the goal of lighthouses are to lead people out of trouble and also to guide them into better situations. So that's all we hope to do with our Instagram account and the future of our of our brand. That's, that's being formulated with a lot of help from our son doing here, 

Stan Davis 36:08 

and maybe even eventually a book, you know, like, yeah, those things that are needed. And I know we'll have to probably do a follow up to this. I can't wait to get the reviews back from people because if you want to hear more, you guys know, I want to hear from you about this episode, because I know that there's 17 other topics that we could discuss. And I think this is important to do our due diligence and just, you know, really bring to light that an exceptional relationship is something worth striving for. No matter how many years you've been married. 

Absolute. That's right. Oh, gosh, guys, thanks for your time tonight and just for being real and vulnerable with my audience. 

Tarsha Davis 36:50 

We appreciate you they what you do is so important. And she's she finds joy is I think it's something that we just we need in the world. You're You're definitely a lighthouse, and we're honored to be here on your show with you and we'll come back anytime. 

Stan Davis 37:05 

Absolutely. Thank you 

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