I know my purpose is to inspire you, but I also feel like it is important to be real and vulnerable, something we don’t feel like we are allowed to do much.
That’s why, as I propped my feet up on my desk just now and felt myself get emotional, I decided to stop while I was pinching my eyes, trying to hold it all together and take a pic.
Because this is real life…and I’m a happiness coach, ya know.
Sometimes you teach that which you most need to learn yourself.
So here goes.
I’ve done it to myself again, as in for the 1000th + time.
I’ve entered the total burnout phase, where I feel weary, fatigued, and my chest feels like it has a two-ton brick on it.
- I can’t stop working.
- I can’t stop checking emails.
- I can’t stop checking social media.
- I can’t stop making and looking at my to-do list.
I feel lost in the fray. I’m emotional. I’m crying at times for what feels like no good reason.
No one in my family or friend circle knows because I’ve been suffering in silence the last few weeks. I’ve been putting on a brave front, but I know it’s showing.
It’s showing in my irritableness, my short temper, and my inability to be present during meal times. I’m always thinking about what I have to do.
It’s showing in my fidgety-ness, my purposeful not picking up phone calls or responding appropriately to texts from friends because I just can’t give any more of myself right now. So you might wonder, “Why am I telling you, but not those closest to me?”
Well because I don’t want to have to make them feel better about making sure I feel OK. You know how sometimes when you feel down, others in your life get shook up so you find yourself telling another lie about how you’re really OK when you’re not because you don’t want to have to soothe them, too?
I feel the burnout. I teach people to overcome this, yet here I am back in the throes of it again, feeling out of balance and as if I don’t know how to pull myself back from the dark abyss of my chaos.
I’m struggling to relax at all, but consequently enough, I do head to bed at 8:00 because I have nothing left in me. You know that feeling when you have nothing else to give?
And on top of all of this, I have a painful relationship that keeps getting triggered. I feel quite alone in the betrayal of it, and at times it feels as if one understands the constant pain it has put me through for years. It’s probably not true, but it also feels like no one has my back in this. That’s also weighing on me.
I’m just popping on here because I’m an external processor, and it helps me put this out there.
But I’m also saying this because so many women are struggling with this just like me, and I want you to know it’s ok to have all the emotions, the good and the heavy.
And it’s also good to know you are not alone in the struggle. I am there too.
We will be ok, but we have to reflect, change, and make a move in the direction that somehow brings us relief.
I will be working on how to do that….somehow.