Ep 72 | Boundary Setting: Dealing with Guilt and Conflict with Krista Resnick

Kim Strobel 00:18 

Welcome, everyone, to today's episode, I'm very excited to introduce to you Krista resonate. She is a master certified coach, a podcaster, a sought after speaker and a mother to three boys. She is a powerhouse of soul fun, compassion and vibrancy. Her honest and curious approach guides the women she serves in a way that is both real true and supportive. Her work empowers women to stop settling and put themselves back on their priority list. Krista supports women by helping them break free of codependent and people pleasing patterns so they can set healthy boundaries and master the art of their truth. Welcome to the show, Krista. 

Krista Resnick 01:05 

K 

Thank you. I'm super excited to be here. Yeah, 

Kim Strobel 01:09 

I I'm going to give me just a second here. All right. I am really excited for this conversation, Krista, because I feel like my tombstone will read. Kim worked on boundaries her whole life. Yeah. And I know, I have made so much progress in this area. But I will say it's one of the hardest things and I find it mostly hard for women. And I'm sure you do too. Yeah, totally 100%. So let's just start by defining boundaries, because I think you know, what are boundaries? Yeah, 

Krista Resnick 01:54 

K

I love I love this question. And you're gonna hate my answer. So I'm going to give you my like, my out of the mouth answer. And then let me do a little defining. I don't actually know or think that there's one flat answer for what is the boundary. So I've played with tons of definitions. And I think actually all of them work. I think it depends on really where you're at in your boundary journey. For some folks that have ran the people pleasing and maybe codependent pattern, the over giving the overwhelming whatever you want to call it, you know, whatever 

empowers you. You call it whatever empowers you. Sometimes saying no, like that. That's the definition of your boundary for a while. There's nothing wrong with that. Sometimes the definition is, this is just not what I'm available for. I've played with that for a while when I was first getting started. Because I was so in mesh with what everybody else had going on and fixing and helping and sending them this podcast and sending them this book excerpt. And so for a while, I just had to say no, I'm not available for this. And what happened, Kim, weaving this into the definition, as I started to become very rigid. So I woke up and started to notice, okay, I'm very boundaried. Now here. I went from boundary list to boundaried. But I'm also very isolated and alone. So then I started to play with different definitions and different interpretations. And so really, a boundary is being honest with who you are, and where you're at. Yeah, I know, right? It's being honest. And it's yes, there are limits there parameters, of course. And it's being honest with who you are not hiding those parts of yourself. Not hiding those limitations and being able to just really be honest and say, This is what I have a capacity for. So they're not a dividing line, like people think they're actually something that deeply, deeply connects us. Because you're being honest. Now the other person has the responsibility and the opportunity to say, Yeah, I don't think I want to be in relationship with you. Or yeah, I really like who you are. And I want to be in relationship with you. 

Kim Strobel 04:30 

I can't tell you how timely this is for me. And as someone who empowers women to do this very theme. I still struggle with it. I'm sure you. You do too. You know, we are better than we were a year ago and we're better far better than we were five years ago. But I want to share an example of what you just said to me and how that plays out. And I I don't share this example to hurt my loved one because we all have You know, I feel like most of the time, all of us are going around as our six year old traumatized selves. And I understand that the way people behave, you know, it's like I'm reading the book right now by Oprah and Dr. Bruce Perry, which is not not what is wrong with you, not judging you. But what happened to you, that causes this behavior in you. And someone that is near and dear to me, is probably my biggest teacher for boundaries, yet my biggest struggle, and recently, and I'll just say it, it's my sweet loving mama, you know, and I have changed a lot in 20 years, and I, I have stepped out of much of my people, pleasing tendencies. And when you do that people do not always like those changes in you. And so I'm a runner, I was running down Main Street, my mom was coming out of her apartment, and I stopped for a minute to talk to her. And out of nowhere this in, like I said, My mama is loving. And trust me, I have all of my issues, I always hope that she never listens to my podcast, because I would never want to hurt her feelings. But she said something to me that she says a lot. And it just kind of came out of a conversation. And she said, I just wish we were closer, I just wish we were closer. And I said, Mom, you know, and I go, we we have like a weekly dinner date, we go out every week, we spend two hours at the pizza joint. And she, you know, she kind of said one time, one once a week, and I was thinking, Oh my God, so many people don't have once a week, you know. And then she said, and you never call me in between, that's the only time I get to talk to you. And, of course, it hurt and it stung because I, I want to honor that she is a retired woman, her children are gone, they have their own lives, I'm sure she experiences loneliness. But at the same time, I held my ground and I said, Mom, you know, I don't know if I've changed over the years. I'm I don't like text messages. I don't like having to talk to people on the phone. I'm very driven in my business, I work from eight to five every day. And you know, she'll call me or text me or, you know, during the day, at times and be like, you know, something kind of small. And I've had struggled with boundaries, like just because I'm working from home doesn't always mean I'm available. Right? 100%. So can you save some of those little things for our Thursday night dinner date? But then I think for her, it's

a way to connect with her daughter. Yep. And so and I think that's what it had opened it up. She asked if I bug her if she bugs me a lot. And I said, Well, you know, there's some small things that sometimes I'm, I'm thinking, Gosh, I'm just trying to work and you know, don't want to have to deal with a smaller thing. And, and so then she said, I said I I just have changed. I don't need as much of that social conversation that I maybe needed in my younger self. And then she said, Well, I just wish I had the old Kim back, 

Krista Resnick 08:37 

K 

huh, really interesting. And 

Kim Strobel 08:41 

that's what she has said to me several times. I just want the old Kim back. And so of course, I went away and I was just like, oh, that's real good. Because I'm gonna tell you what the version of Kim Strobel, who's worked on herself for 20 Damn years is way more evolved. It is such a better person than she would like, you know, I just immediately was hurt. Because I thought all the work I've put into myself and I'm independent. I'm not codependent on you or anybody else. I'm comfortable in my own skin. I love the company of myself. And, and so that's been weighing heavily on me these last few days. And it's a combination of a lot of things, right. She's lonely and, and, and needs more of me for her own mental well being. But she actually needs to, you can't depend on somebody else to give you that, you know? Yeah. And I 

Krista Resnick 09:35 

K

think that's really two things are really coming up for me as you're sharing your story. Thank you for doing that. Because it's a tender. Sorry. That's a hard one. That's a biggie. Can you be with the discomfort? People think, you know, they look at somebody who they think has arrived. And I love how you kicked off the podcast saying, you know, I've been working on this for 20 years. Welcome to personal growth, there's always more and it's not like, Oh, we got to be searching under all these stones and turning up these rocks. Because there's more. It's like, no, there's another layer, we get to explore, we get to go deeper. And I find that really exciting that there is no finish line, there is a finish line, but then you're six feet under, right? Until that day, we get to go another layer deeper, we get to heal another trauma, a little micro aggression, a little womb. So there's that. So the question really becomes is, can you stay with yourself in the discomfort? Can you not self abandon, that's another thing that a boundary is a boundary is the point in which you can no longer be yourself? So let me explain what I mean by that with a personal story if I could, real quick, a couple of weeks ago, we were at a social gathering, it's a perfect place to go back into our patterns, our old ways of being right. Yes. So we're at a social gathering, somebody shares a joke that I find oppressive. Yeah, I have a moment where I can choose myself. And I can, I can feel it in my body. That's why boundaries are so in our body. They're so implicit, we can feel them. For me, it's I get flushed, I get hot. Immediately, my cheeks turn red, I can feel it happening in my body, my throat gets all constructed like someone's choking me. So I have a moment where I can acquiesce. And I can so that I'm not rejected so that they don't think ill of me so that they don't look at me and go, Who does she think she is? Or I can stand in my truth. And I can say, you know, I find with everything that's going on in the world today, that that's very oppressive to that certain race, 

or whatever the context of the joke was. So the boundary is that moment where it's like, okay, hold on, am I gonna go back into old ways of being in pattern? And I recognize that because what's happening in my body? Or am I gonna stand in my truth? And it's not always easy. So the question becomes, as I said, Can you stay with yourself? Can you not self abandon in those moments? And sometimes we get it right. And sometimes we don't. And that's okay. It's just noticing, being aware, picking yourself back up. You know, the other thing with your mom, too, is, we've got to remember, she's not a victim. She can create, right? She can create new relationships. There's lots of opportunity for her to go and be a part of maybe Broncos and book clubs and different things. 

Kim Strobel 12:43 

Yes. And those are the things that she's not been willing to do. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. And I love when you're saying, I love that phrase. And I've heard it so many times. But again, for you to reiterate it is this idea of self abandoning, how many times do we abandon our wants our needs, whatever it is, to please someone else? Yep. And then you walk away from that. And a little bit of your power is gone. Yeah. And I was proud of myself, because I like you. I mean, I was so uncomfortable with the whole conversation from, you know, do I bother you a lot? Like, how do you answer that, you know, and to, when she I was really taken aback when she said, I just want the old version of Kim, because I had heard that multiple times. And my next statement was, well, this is the version you get. 

Krista Resnick 13:47 

K

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And, and to your point, you know, you mentioned the word empowerment. That's another definition of boundaries. They are your circle of empowerment, of empowerment, not. So by you standing in your truth and being honest about who you are and where you're at. Your mom has the opportunity to stand in her truth and say, Okay, I guess I'm not going to get Kim 90% of the time. So I'm going to figure this out. And I'm going to put myself out there. And I'm going to join the Bunco group, or I'm going to go to the senior citizen center, or I'm going to start swim class or Zumba class, every Wednesday at eight o'clock. She's got to choose that bill. So you've empowered her by you standing in your truth, empowering yourself with boundaries. That's 

Kim Strobel 14:34 

That's great perspective. I will tell you that I did spend the rest of my day questioning myself. And part of the problem is is that she has a friend and that friend's daughter calls her mama every single day. And that's what she wants me to be. And when you said you said a boundary is being honest with who you are. And that kind of spoke to my soul. Because when as I went through this process the last few days, you know, you kind of berate yourself, you ask yourself if you're wrong, you tell yourself that this is the mother who has nurtured and loved you for 48 years, does she not deserve a better daughter? I mean, these are the conversations you have. And then I thought to myself, who am I and that this is who I am. Please, if you're a friend of mine, don't call me more than once a week, that's probably all I want to talk to you. It's just who Kim Strobel is. And that version of who I am is not wrong. Even though it's very different 

than my friend who calls her mom every single day from my mom's friend whose daughter calls her every single day. That is just not who I am. And that does not make me less of a daughter, even though it's still times difficult for me to convince myself of that. 

Krista Resnick 16:05 

K 

Yeah, for sure. You know, I I'm kind of giggling here because I don't think I've had my ringer on my cell phone off silent mode in five years, because I'm much like you, it is a massive interruption to my day, you are not welcome to step over on on announced to my home. And that's not because I think I'm so fancy. It's because I am here for a God given purpose. And I have got to want to get to accomplish certain things. Even the moments where I take breaks throughout my day, I'm playing with my dogs and sitting in the sunshine. I just don't have the availability or one one, I'm just not open to being interrupted. Because somebody else decided that that was a good thing. It's not a it's not what I'm available for. 

Kim Strobel 16:52 

Exactly. And so I love that you're taking away and saying you're what we're asking anyone who's listening is who are you? And what is it that you want. And you need to be okay with that. I know that my own kind of spiritual mentor and counselor that's been in my life for 20 years. There are times when he'll whether it be a friend or a family member that I need to draw a boundary, I get so sick thinking about having to say, like when you even said like you're not allowed to drop by and of course you express that in a nice way. Yes, that feels so scary for people to have to. Like, it's it's a real fear for people to do this. And I know our listeners are thinking, oh my god, I could never say that to a friend. I could never say that like I want to but I just can't do it. And so, you know, how do we I think you've talked about how do we begin to grow our confidence enough to stand in the truth of our own wants and needs, and not always be giving ourselves in ways that don't feel good to us? 

Krista Resnick 18:10 

K

And I love that question. That's a big one. But I love that question. So the first really practical, easy tip that I would love to share, and I watch. Women just feel a sense of relief when I share this tip. It's really simple. And it's really powerful. And that is let's stop thinking about boundaries, perhaps as saying no, and drawing a line in the sand. Let's shift them a little bit. Let's flip the paradigm and start thinking about boundaries as what do we actually get to say yes to here? So by saying no, let's just play with this for a minute by saying no. To the all hour long phone calls to mom every day. What are we saying? Yes to 

Kim Strobel 18:56 

an entire chapter of the book I'm writing, Krista. Yeah, I mean, it is because I'll tell you my aha moment and one of the things I teach is, every time you're a yes. For something you don't want to do. You are inadvertently a no to what you do want to do. Yeah. And that is the question I have. And this came to fruition about five years ago, because in our town, the if you have a kid who's a junior in high school, the parents organize the whole prom, right? And they stay up all 

night and they do all this stuff and and Like honestly, I've never been somebody who wants to be on those types of committees like it's not me and I'm like, but I did it because like I wanted to be like the good mama. So I did it all through elementary school. And then when he got to junior high and he didn't make Student Council Of course, I was disappointed but I was like, Oh, I don't have to chaperone any dances right? And so he gets his junior year and I do the right thing i Mama up and I do all this meetings and all. And then come his senior year, they don't have enough Junior parents to help and we get an email saying, hey, we need Junior parents to help with this again. And so what did I do? I first called my friend Trish who had served on the junior committee with me and said, Hey, you're not going to do this. Are you? Yeah. Yeah. I told him I would. And I was like, shoot because I'm looking for an out right? Like, yeah, Trish doesn't do it. And I really respect Trish, then I can have my and I did exactly what you said, I started to go, okay. This is a super busy time in my year. I'm in three different states the week after prom. If I'm a yes to stay in up till five in the morning on a Saturday, Sunday, then then I'm a no to being able to bring my best energy to the stage. Yeah, I'm a yes to this. I'm a no to the dinner date that I really look forward to on Saturdays when I'm traveling all week, and my husband and I really need that dinner date. And I started to go through and I kind of found my power in that essential question, that essential tip that you just gave my listeners, which is what you know, when you are a yes. Or or when you kind of reversed it, right? Like, if you say no, what are you gaining from that? 

Krista Resnick 21:17 

K

Yep, exactly. Exactly. The other tip that I think is so powerful is looking at when we need to set boundaries. So anger is one of the heavy hitters. Where are you feeling angry in your life. Resentment is the next one that's resentment is probably the top one. So unpacking that a little bit. Resentment is really still anger. It's anger that we have just pushed down suppressed, avoided dealing with. And it's just sitting there in our tissues. And it's really stale anger, just sitting there. And we're simmering, and we're simmering, and we're simmering, and all of a sudden hubby comes home, and there's a little bit of edge to his tone, and we explode. And 10 minutes later, we think what in the world just happened? Well, that's because we never really dealt with all of the other things back when we should have which probably was a boundary. So the reason why I share that to give a tip is do we really want our relationships, our best relationships filled with resentment, we can totally avoid that by just being honest with who we are, and where we're at, and what we need. And make that okay. Because often when we resent folks, what I find to be true for myself, when I have muddled up my relationships with presentment we end up avoiding them. Pretty soon. They're texting us they want to do coffee on Saturday, and we're not even answering them. We're avoiding that's how you know Ding, ding, ding, there's some anger. There's some resentment going on there. Yeah. And is that really what we want? Yeah, at the end of the day, we're hardwired created for really amazing, intimate relationships. But when we're bringing in this unclean energy of resentment, because we're not willing to be with the discomfort of setting a boundary, man, we're muddling them up. 

Kim Strobel 23:17 

Yes, yes, I agree. i Okay. So I'm actually going to pause this for a minute, this recording because I want to grab something I just read. So give me a sec. And my video editor will love that she gets to edit all this. So I was just reading this morning, because I think what we're talking about is we're talking about happiness and wellbeing for you. And we're talking about 

the people we love, and the relationships that we want to have. Yeah, and we want those to feel good a lot of the time. And so I was reading in this book, and it was saying, Do not become a person that relies on others to be happy. And of course, it was making me think of my own, you know, personal situation like I don't want to be in charge of my husband's wellbeing. I don't want to be in charge of my mom's well being I don't want to be in charge of Mike like I'm in charge of my own well being and nobody else is responsible for that. And then it said when you do that, you know when you rely when you people please to make the other person feel better. What it does is it places an unfair pressure on yourself. Yeah. And then that leads to unhappiness and what you just said bitterness, resentment, anger, and I love it said you do not owe anybody anything. for any reason, and that love is not a bond or a bind, it is freedom and you've got to give yourself freedom. That's what love is love is when I'm allowed to be like with my son, and I'm not perfect at this either. Love is when I allow my son to be who he wants to be, and not who I think he should be. Bingo, you know, or how he should navigate the world. And he's a remarkable person. But at times, you know, he's a 21 year old and I'm like, freaking out and thinking, you know, oh, my gosh, what are you doing? 

Krista Resnick 25:38 

K 

Yep. And so, those can I have three of those? 

Kim Strobel 25:41 

Oh, yeah. Yeah. Right. And so even in this situation, with my loving mother, I'm thinking about how I at times have used some of those techniques on my own child. Yeah. And so this was a great reminder today, when I read that, that it's, it's allowing the other person because right, some people who are listening are going shit, this is what I do to other people, 

Krista Resnick 26:09 

K

yet well, and ultimately what it is, can the deeper conversation here which we don't need to unravel it a whole time, but I'll just leave you with this. It's about control. So control and so that's why so many people don't love the labels people pleasing are codependent. I personally do and they're not who I am. But there are parts of me there are these patterns that I picked up in childhood, to keep myself safe and protected, protected from rejection, protected from not feeling like I wasn't smart enough and didn't fit in all of those things, right. I personally like those labels because I'm able to use them as empowerment in my life. I just caught myself the other day, I was on somebody else's side of the street. I'll just tell you it was my husband's. I was on his side of the street and I said Krista Resnick, there's your codependent pattern, stop trying to control back on your side of the street sister go, what are you doing? So I use them to kind of play and add a little bit of levity and just empower myself. 

Kim Strobel 27:15 

Yeah. And I think it's self awareness. You know, when you catch someone doing something to you, and you, in your mind, call out that behavior, I then reflect and say, Hey, how am I being passive aggressive or manipulative? To get someone else to conform? You know, what I want 

and what I need, and it's such a control thing, and we all do it. Now. Okay, so this is big, big, big work. It is, it is no joke. I have a couple of questions. Before we wrap this episode up, what made you get into this line of work? And why are you so driven by helping people break the cycles within themselves? 

Krista Resnick 28:05 

K 

Well, I think there's a few reasons. My own personal story, I was boundary lists, which caused massive destruction and disconnection in my own life disconnected from myself, disconnected from my most important relationships. And I, I couldn't create the business I wanted, when so and so stopping over and so and so's texting. Hey, hey, can we need you for the Boy Scout committee? We need you for Sunday school. Ah, right. Like, I couldn't move forward in my business. So then I went from boundary lists to boundary became very isolated and alone, that's not healthy either. And really, the underbelly of boundaries is self love and self worth it. That's the healing work right there. That is the healing work. So I went deep into my own traumas, deep into my own healing, and realize that by healing some of my own patterns, and when I say healing, I mean healing. I am not healed. Yes, there's still like, I have done so much work therapy, Cymatics, coaching all of the beautiful things. So I've gotten lots of different trainings. And there's probably 90% healing, but there's still every once in a while I just mentioned with my husband, it's like, what are you doing? Like the patterns flare up, right. So I just knew that, you know, with my own experience, I had something in this this realm to really offer and really be able to connect with other folks, because I'm so passionate about relationship, relationship with self relationship with others. And the way that we really connect with ourselves connect with others is through this beautiful boundary work and self love work and self worth work, and really calling upon our inner leader 

Kim Strobel 29:58 

to allow has to stand in our power again. Yeah. I love that. I'm going to repeat what you said. Because it's like an Oprah tweetable moment you said the underlying piece of boundaries is self love. Yeah, I think self love can be the root of so many of our problems. And it's so very 

hard. For women in particular, maybe not maybe it's maybe it's built, I just know with women a lot, truly love themselves. And I always say, No one does more for you in a day's time than you. So why can you extend love to everyone else? But it feels uncomfortable to extend that love back to you? Yeah, 

Krista Resnick 30:44 

K

that's the worthiness piece. 

Kim Strobel 30:45 

It is. So Krista, if people are listening to this, and they're like, oh, my gosh, I need help with this. How do Where do they find you? What do you offer them? If someone wants to work with you and further do this deeply healing work? 

Krista Resnick 31:02 

K 

Yeah, beautiful question. Thank you. So I've got my own podcast, which I actually just pivoted to becoming boundaried. So they can find me there and learn more about boundaries. I have an I don't know, if you, I'm guessing you'd have it in your show notes, a link for the secrets of empowered boundaries. That's a beautiful PDF, where it really helps people get clear on their needs. So much of boundary work is founded in what do you actually need. Most people don't know, they don't even know what they need. So it's a really beautiful way to get started doing some of this boundary work. And then if they want to, you know, sign up for my six month experience, it's called stay true to you, meaning, staying true to yourself, being honest with where you're at, and who you are. Not abandoning yourself, really staying with yourself. When those moments of fear, anger, resentment, rage, irritation, sadness, when all of those things come up that make you want to cross that boundary line, and really self abandon. Let's stay with ourselves, let's really do this, this inner work of calling upon our inner leader and building that self love muscle, so that we can really implement these beautiful, healthy boundaries. 

Kim Strobel 32:25 

Yes, we'll drop your website and all your social links as well into the show notes for people who want to connect with you. And then let's end by telling people the name of your book. My book, oh, wait, don't you have a book? 

Krista Resnick 32:38 

K 

I don't but maybe I should. I thought for sure you had a book? No girl, 

Kim Strobel 32:42 

I am your divine intervention here, then. I am the person I guess who was called to say that to you because this work is so in you're just so very good at explaining it. at a level that's like real and honest, it you're very good at keeping people in that zone where it's like, you're not just blowing fluff, you're really understanding and explaining to them what this causes in the way that it affects our life. So perhaps I'm the one that was supposed to say that to you. 

Krista Resnick 33:19 

K

Funny because your your listeners will see if they follow me on Instagram, I am a writer. It is something that I have to do every single day. So I have been told before that a book is coming. And it's in my future. So apparently you just confirmed it. Yeah, mine is. 

Kim Strobel 33:36 

Here's what I found about myself. I listen to the whispers should say the whispers have been coming for a long time. And so I wrote the first 12 chapters, about a year ago. 28,000 words. And the way that I did it, because I could not make myself do it from home. Because I always 

And the way that I did it, because I could not make myself do it from home. Because I always had something else I needed to do is I went away to Vermont for two and a half weeks and got centered. And so that was like a year and a half ago. Guess what, I have not written another word. So here's what I say. I'm a destination only writer. I need to find another place to go. That's just what I know about myself. And then and then write the second section of the book. So yes. 

Krista Resnick 34:17 

K 

My challenge to you then is considering the boundaries that need to take place. Really? Yeah. Yeah, 

Kim Strobel 34:25 

yes. Oh, Christy, you have been a delight. Thank you so much for offering just just your real self to us today and helping us have some perspective on how we can do a better job of this in our lives. 

Krista Resnick 34:38 

K

Thank you for having me, Kim. It's been a real treat.